Inside a Girl

I really am a goober.

For the past few weeks I've been saying to myself "Oooh, I really need to write this down. Oooh, I really need to blog." I've said that, but I haven't followed through with it. And now I can't really remember what all those little moments were, although at the time they seemed so important, symbolic even. Maybe it would make sense to carry a little tape recorder around. But I'd never end up having it on me when I needed it. That's the way I roll.

Birthday party season is in full force. Two this month. Oodles next month. Then in June, they're everywhere.

It's also mushroom season. Ordinarily I would have put an exclamation mark (maybe two) after that sentence. Normally I'm obsessed & prowling the woods this time of year. I have been obsessed. I have been prowling the woods. But I'm coming up empty handed. I have found 0. And I've been about 5 or 6 times already, keeping an eye on my spots, waiting for those pretty little shits to poke up through the leaves. On a kentucky morel hunters message board, one woman posted that she was a little disappointed, she'd only found 157 this year. I couldn't tell you what I'd do if I ever found 157. Wipe really good, for one. Then there would be the god awfulest (I don't think that's a word, but around here it is) mushroom feast ever. Yeah, 157 would just kill me.

Monday evening I went to 4 spots where I normally find mushrooms. Finding none, my mood swung beyond disappointed, I was pissed. I told my dad I wasn't going back in the woods this year, I was through with it. I think he believed me. I was convincing. I'm gonna see if he wants to go Friday. I'm hoping a few days of sunshine on top of the rain we've gotten this week will be enough to coax them out of hiding

Last week I decided I have ADD. But only when laying out in the sun.

I put on my swimsuit, took my sheet, crossword puzzles, tanning lotion out in the yard. I was ready to get some sun on my lily white legs & maybe even take a nap. I was in it for the long haul. Laying on my back, the sun hurt my eyes. I put my book over them, balanced against my forhead & nose. I noticed the way the blue of the cover blended with the blue of the sky. I pretended the white letters on the cover weren't actually on the cover at all. They were written against the sky. It started to get hot. I turned over on my belly, propped my head on my arm. My hair blew over my eyes. I laid there lifeless. I pretended I was in the desert. I tried to imagine sand in front of me. I looked at the house. I thought about how if I really was almost lifeless in the desert, I might imagine that same view. I might see the house & wish I could go inside. It would only be a mirage, cause I'd be in the desert dying. But I would want to go inside that house. I would know that there'd be an endless supply of Ale-8 inside. Enough Ale-8 to rehydrate me, to make me live.

I was dying in my front yard.

With bumblebees swarming me & 2 German shepards circling, wanting to lay in the sun with me.

I felt something on my leg. I kicked it off. I felt something else hit my leg. I jumped. I anticipated being stung by a bumblebee the size of a Volkswagon. I turned to see what was attacking me. Red bud blossoms. Red bud blossoms were trying to get me.

I packed it in. I decided by this time I was probably blistered. No Noxema in the house. I deserved it, I figured. I'd live with my wounds.

I looked at the clock. I'd survived 25 minutes in my yard.

At this rate, I'll never get a tan in time for South Carolina.