[ Tuesday, March 22, 2005 ]
Random random 101.
1. I picked daffodils today.
2. I trespassed on a neighbor's property to do it.
3. Their house is gone, turned to a pile of brick & burned appliances.
4. The chimney still stands.
5. I've taken photographs of it.
6. Black & white stills that aren't pretty / beautiful / meaningful.
7. They just remind me of a place. A time.
8. Every spring daffodils line the perimeter of such loss.
9. Every spring I pick them.
10. Along with red bud blooms.
11. And the occasional wisteria root.
12. Daffodils are not beautiful flowers.
13. So simple in form.
14. But they are hopeful.
15. The first glimpse of color against dead browns & rotten greys.
16. And so I pick them.
17. Because they remind me that my insides will warm again.
18. That this fog will lift.
19. That in a few short months I'll be picking mushrooms.
20. And maybe sitting in a field, drinking cheap cheap wine, watching the sun come up.
21. I don't know that anything feels as good.
22. Quiet.
23. Simple.
24. Content.
25. Hair damp with dew.
26. Warm sun.
27. Heavy eyelids.
28. Feeling as though you might have just taken your first breath.
29. I've spent many mornings watching the sun come up.
30. From a tailgate.
31. A carhood.
32. Through a cracked windshield.
33. A wide open door.
34. Hours of conversation dangling inches from my eyes.
35. A flannel shirt is the best method of protection.
36. It holds your insides in when your mouth is busy trying to expel them.
37. Unsure how much should be revealed.
38. Not really caring.
39. Because this is life you figure.
40. And if you think it, feel it, want it, dream about it, maybe you should speak it.
41. Reveal it.
42. Because we're not really as alone as we think we are, you figure.
43. Because all of us are connected by common themes.
44. Hurt.
45. Betrayal.
46. Love.
47. Unreturned love.
48. Feeling so far from that place you want to be.
49. Feeling so not enough.
50. So hidden.
51. So lost.
52. With all these quiet somethings lurking beneath the surface.
53. Common themes.
54. The boy.
55. The girl.
56. The childhood.
57. The desperation.
58. The search.
59. Meaningless.
60. Meant to be deciphered, understood but still meaningless.
61. Ice cream on tailgates.
62. Laughing until your belly hurts.
63. Laughing so hard you cry.
64. Laughing & crying so hard the line between sanity & insanity is blurred.
65. Laughing until you begin to worry that this is the beginning.
66. Then pulling back.
67. And wiping tears from your cheeks with the back of your hand.
68. Or your shirt sleeve.
69. Stomping mud all over hell & creation.
70. Because this song is the best fucking song you've ever heard.
71. And because this moment is the best fucking moment you've ever lived.
72. Crawling home at 3 am.
73. With a belly so full.
74. Of living.
75. Lost in now.
76. Because now is all that matters anyway.
77. And now daffodils are blooming.
78. Some are dying on my table.
79. In an aluminum pitcher.
80. Once owned by an elderly lady.
81. Who was middle-aged.
82. Who was once a girl.
83. Torn by common themes.
84. And her own unique chaos.
85. Who survived.
86. Or didn't.
87. Who handed down her madness.
88. Or had it sold from underneath her.
89. Who understood that it wasn't really madness at all.
90. That there is no label.
91. That it's life.
92. A torrent of emotion.
93. Spectacular swings.
94. Finding out what we're made of.
95. What we're, void of bullshit, made of.
96. Forgiving what / who got us there.
97. Allowing ourselves to thaw.
98. To open.
99. To reveal what our eyes give away, anyway.
100. Memories are golden.
101. Or some dumb shit like that.
~ Rebecca 9:24 PM [+]
