[ Thursday, January 06, 2005 ]
Local boy gets the opportunity to chase big-city tail.
That should be a headline in the Wolfe Co. paper this week. Local boy Chris C. , (fourth from left ), is one of the 25 bachelors competing for the new bachelorette's attention. Apparently, from the commercial that is being aired, he makes us proud.
Promo:
Narrator's Voice: Do the guys hit on the girls?
(Fellows talking to female bartenders.)
Bartender: "What do you need?"
Chris: "Something with some alcohol in it or something."
Narrator's Voice: Do they hit the bottle?
(Close-up of Chris chugging a nice tall glass of something.)
Narrator's Voice: Or do they hit the floor?
(Guy standing beside Chris falls flat on his ass.)
That promo killed me today. Shortly after the auditions for The Bachelorette were held in Lexington, I heard rumor that Chris had auditioned. The first story was that he desperately wanted to be on The Bachelorette. Being that his car was in the shop, he rode his crotch rocket to Lexington & went to the audition with full on helmet hair, redwings & t-shirt. The second story, and probably the true version, is that Chris went to Lexington for his birthday, was approached in a bar & informed that auditions for The Bachelorette were being held next door.
Word is he gets cut during the first episode.
I can only say thank god.
I can't imagine the horror of him making it till the end, being invited to her hometown, then having the bachelorette & camera crew visit his hometown.
My God. What would Bobby on the bridge think of a limo rolling through Campton & then stopping at Chris' salon, a tiny trailer right beside the local & family owned beer store? I know what Bobby would say. Bobby would say "By God, I've seen it all now. I was just standing here minding my own business and a @&!*#&*$ limozeen, as long as this road rolled through. Huh!" (Bobby rolls eyes, tilts head & continues to speak.) "Huhuh! That skinny little bastard, I walked up to the beer store & they had that @&!*#&*$ limo hung up, son! Had the front tarr over in the ditch, liked to never got it out. I had to call Raymond & we took the tow truck over there & got 'em out. Last time she'll be in this town."
If any of you know Bobby, that little paragraph will make complete & perfect sense. He sees everything that happens in town. Knows everything that happens in town. For years he was my go-to guy. If I needed to know something I asked Bobby. Then I had to dissect any information he gave me, weed out the untruths & after a while had a pretty clear idea what was going on.
I can't imagine Bobby being able to handle an event of this proportion. So again, I'm thankful that Chris doesn't actually stay longer than the first night. (All rumor, of course.)
But it does crack me up.
That somebody from Wolfe Co. would be chosen to appear on any T.V. show other than Cops or Jerry Springer. And that I'm so farting excited to see this episode.
The last event of this funny & exiting was sometime last year when a fellow from West Liberty sent his Fear Factor audition tape in & actually got a call back. He performed his stunt during winter. That would be okay except that his stunt involved sliding from a cable that was suspended above the lake. He fell from the cable, skidded across the lake, broke all the ice in his path & then continued with the audition tape, covered in slush & blood.
(I'm not gonna stand by that story 100%. But this is how I heard it. And even if it's not entirely true, it's still pretty damn funny.)
Rednecks gravitate toward cameras. It's a scientific fact. Let something bad happen in any county in Kentucky, doesn't matter where or what it is & some hick saw the whole thing & wants to tell about it, in detail, to the entire state. We make noises to articulate our points, to describe the tornado or the sound of the tires or the big kaboom. We enrich the story with intricate hand gestures and an excited, almost crazy, widening of the eyes. And almost any story that a hick tells begins with the infamous words "Son, I'll tell you what..." And most times end with, "I grabbed my 12 pack & ran like hell."
Just once I want to be that redneck.
Which means that I'll have to spend a lot of time hanging out, waiting for something news-worthy to happen. Or I'll have to make it happen.
Someday, baby. Someday.
~ Rebecca 9:06 PM [+]
