[ Monday, January 03, 2005 ]
I feel a funk coming on.
Last year coming back from Lexington on New Year's Day, extremely hung over & almost choking on regret, I stared out Sam's window at the black fence rows framing a farm. Each section rushed into the next & that stretch of black seemed to go on forever.
black fence rows
so much like our lives,
the burden face-down
on our laps
& suffocating
Those words came to me while I stared out the window, head steadied by cold glass. Regret. Everyone else was asleep, I wasn't prepared to let the party die down. I roamed outside the confines of our room. Found beer. Had heated words with a security guard. Talked to strangers. Talked gibberish to strangers. Made out with some random dude then went back to my room, where everyone else was already sleeping off the beer we'd consumed while seeing Charlie Daniels & Montgomery Gentry perform. The next morning I made a rule that when we go out one person will be designated to beat the shit out me when and if I get out of hand.
I was engulfed in guilt after that episode. Part of it was thinking about all the things that could have happened to me while intoxicated & roaming, but I've had a few embarrassing episodes, risky episodes even & none of those inspired that type of guilt. At one point during the concert, while sneaking a pee between acts & acquiring more beer, I remember looking into the mirror & thinking 'I am so fucking ugly'. I looked away & could have just vomited right then. I felt absolute self-loathing. So my making out with a random dude was purely because I felt ugly, and I wanted someone to make me feel as though I was not. That plagued me.
And shortly afterwards I began my 'me' kick.
Returned to my natural hair color. Altered my diet. Began lifting weights & working out. Months later, I began to see the effects. Bought new pants cause my old ones weren't fitting. Sent my grey dancing pants to a storage container cause they definitely didn't fit.
Now, one year later, I'm having to dig those pants back out again. I haven't gained all the weight back. But the road I'm traveling on now, is leading me there. And again, I'm feeling so goddamned ugly.
A lot of the motivation for the 'me' kick was that one look in the mirror in a bathroom inside Rupp & thinking how in one year--I'd be able to rectify that, I'd be able to look in the mirror & not feel like Quasimodo.
It didn't quite happen that way.
I spent this New Year's Eve with Dave & Lisa & a host of other good people. I drank. I didn't pace myself. I hadn't eaten. I ended up vomiting in the driveway shortly before midnight. And again, woke up just riddled with guilt. I haven't been around Dave's friends that much. Had never been to the house where the party was hosted. I know almost everyone has been in that position at one time or another, but I just feel like I should have maintained.
Or maybe it's just that I worry too much about things when I should just say 'Ah, shit happens.'
But that is me. I tend to worry worry worry about minute details. And I blow it out of context, even though in my mind it's a big thing. It leads me to believe that I am a horrible person, that I'm not fit to be around normal folk. That maybe I should become a total shut-in.
I've had these thoughts for years, anyways. My internal dialogue is not kind.
I don't know the answer to all this or what the question is really.
I just know that I feel a funk coming on.
And I've not been in one in a while.
~ Rebecca 5:58 PM [+]
