[ Wednesday, July 07, 2004 ]
I've not posted in a while & so much has been going on. So I'm gonna do my last month or so 101 style.
1. I’ve been watching The Godfather.
2. Reading Notes from Above the Ground.
3. Both have affected me.
4. In a way that makes me think that I am temporarily Italian
5. and living in a city
6. surrounded by the homeless
7. and dodging the calls of an unknown X.
8. At 25 I saw the ocean.
9. It spoke to me.
10. It keeps speaking to me.
11. It tells me not to worry about all the insignificant somethings.
12. It tells me to just be.
13. And to let go.
14. Saturday I forgave.
15. In such a small way.
16. I watched the sky explode & thought about the need
17. to let it all go
18. to move on.
19. I wanted someone near me.
20. I compared him to the explosions in the sky.
21. Both eye-opening & magical in the way they make me feel.
22. I tasted good hooch.
23. Contemplated an early bender.
24. Watched a drunk uncle send his son on beer runs for a band
25. that played hauntingly beautiful bluegrass tunes.
25. I felt empathy.
26. I wanted to say ‘I’m sorry. You’re old. It’s alright. This was going to happen.’
27. Instead I said ‘How are you?’
28. ‘I’m doing good.‘
29. And not much more.
30. Had I sampled more hooch, the sky would not have been the only thing exploding.
31. I picked strawberries straight from the vine with my Aunt Marcie.
32. We sampled the product several times
33. as we stooped over rows under hot South Carolinian sun.
34. We walked along the beach.
35. Talked in a way that really mattered.
36. And it meant something to me.
37. That moment was defining and beautiful.
38. And I am grateful to have experienced it.
39. Later, I walked until I could see no one.
40. I scratched words in the sand
41. with a piece of driftwood
42. hoping that someone might walk by
43. after I had gone
44. discover the word ‘live’
45. and decide to do just that.
46. Beside the ocean I felt small.
47. Like a tiny speck
48. with so much possibility sleeping in her limbs.
49. My soul felt quiet & still &
50. I wanted to live in that moment forever.
51. Wanted to bring it home with me.
52. Along with the color of the sand
53. the bleached white driftwood
54. the rusted aqua supports of the Port Royal boardwalk.
55. I tried to memorize it all.
56. As I try to memorize so much.
57. So that when I am consumed by chaos
58. I can imagine myself beside the water
59. Under the oaks
60. Inside the church
61. On that log.
62. Still & quiet.
63. I attempted to sell my yard.
64. Was amused by a blonde headed child
65. Who pronounced Elizabeth, “Ewizabeth”.
66. Cried on a back porch & fell
67. Face first into a swimming pool
68. While trying to climb out.
69. I felt hands on my ankles.
70. I remember coming up & laughing.
71. I don’t remember much else.
72. I turned 26.
73. I found a birthday card tucked underneath my windshield wipers.
74. I found one in the mail.
75. I received a postcard.
76. And tea.
77. I heard Happy Birthday again & again.
77. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt such love.
78. I welcomed 26.
79. I will welcome 27.
80. Thirty, somehow, doesn’t seem so bad.
81. In Ohio I was twisted every imaginable way.
82. Turned upside down at excessive speed &
83. Prayed more than once “Dear God let us make it through this alive.”
84. Those three lines read like a horrific accident occured.
85. I volunteered for the twisting.
86. Paid for it.
87. At the gates of King’s Island where I
88. swallowed my fear repeatedly.
89. Walking through rain I felt adventurous.
90. Coming home I felt 17 again.
91. In a car with 5 girls.
92. Facing unexpected circumstances.
93. Not knowing exactly how everything would turn out.
94. But laughing & loving hard.
95. I helped bake a Shrek cake.
96. For a little boy’s first birthday party.
97. Cut out a “Happy Birthday Cody” banner
98. And realized the cycle was repeating itself
99. as Lisa & I traced letters onto scrapbook paper
100. then carefully cut the edges.
101. Many moments. An awakening of sorts. Beautiful & alive.
~ Rebecca 6:05 PM [+]
