[ Monday, March 29, 2004 ]
Things confirmed for me this weekend:
1. Most men are pathetic pieces of shit.
2. It takes a long time to realize men are pathetic pieces of shit.
3. Screaming 16 year old girls should never be allowed behind the wheel of a car.
4. I love nightgowns.
5. Fred Durst is hot.
Some background info: The naive little girl in me was struck by a profound case of dumbass quite a few years ago. It was the hair, the poetry, the walking stick, the savior complex in me wanting to reach out & save this fragile, disillusioned fellow. I saw potential in him. Viewed him in a way he didn't view himself. Loved him. Three years ago it came to a sad and pathetic end. I realized I couldn't make him see himself the way I saw him. I couldn't inspire him to rise above the 'oh woe is me.' I decided I wasn't putting any more effort into the relationship. I wasn't calling, seeing, emailing--nada--until he put forth some effort & made me feel valuable. I received a note from him shortly after I made this decision; a 'so you abandoned me too?' note, followed by five sentences worth of ranting and raving about going off to live in the woods like a shell-shocked vet. I fired back at him. Told him I hadn't abandoned him. He'd forgotten me. That I couldn't make him realize he was something substantial if he didn't want to believe it. And that was the end.
Three years later, I get a phone call. A voice says 'Hey Beck. I'm calling to apologize.' At that moment I was torn. I knew exactly who it was but wanted to act like I had, maybe, forgotten the sound of his voice. A million different emotions & thoughts went through me. Do I become the bitch? I want to puke. Do I act like it doesn't affect me? Pain in the stomach. Is this where he comes to his senses, realizes we were meant for each other, admits he was a total ass? Dizziness.
He apologized. Explained. Said he had been scared. Knew he wasn't ready to settle down. That he had wanted to get closer to me but knew he'd end up hurting me. Didn't want to ask me to wait for him. Had been having dreams about me. Felt like an idiot. Didn't blame me if I hated him, never wanted to speak to him again. Felt like he was going insane. Needed a friend.
Basically, the same bullshit con from years ago.
And although hesitant, I fell for it. I envisioned the reunion in my head. The one where I lay it all on the table & cuss, rant, rave & he just takes it & hangs his head because he knows that he's done wrong. Then I tell him. If we can't have something real, I don't want it. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to feel valuable & important. I won't take anything less. Then he admits his trespasses, begs for forgiveness & loves me until the end of my life or his, whichever comes first.
This plague of dumbass comes and goes.
Friday he showed up at my uncle's house with the same little chick he hooked up with after we ended it. Lisa broke the news to me. We flip-flopped it down the road so I could see for myself.
Sure enough, there was his ass & that farting little skinny blonde bitch. ( Not that I have anything against her. ) His truck was hanging out in the road & the hood was up. I saw red. I have never wanted to draw blood from someone so bad in my life. I contemplated picking up a rock & bouncing it off his head. Then I spotted some lumber & thought about how good it would feel to crack his skull open with that. I sat down on my grandma's porch still fuming. I got the urge to jump in my Jeep & set sail down that road, taking his truck, him, maybe even her out. Side swipe it then do a doughnut & hit it head on, shoving it on over the hill.
Eventually they left. Body parts still intact. I fumed for a little while longer, then eventually came to the conclusion that I was pretty lucky to see them together. At least it's a little bit of closure for me. I know that
1. He still thinks about me.
2. When he's old & dying & his crack-whore wife is stealing his pain medication, he'll realize he fucked up.
3. He'll always believe the world owes him something.
4. He didn't deserve me.
So, although it will take a little while to get the illusion of him out of my head, I feel really fortunate that at least I know that it's never going to work. That it couldn't work.
And that I don't have to feel guilty about giving up on that possibility. Cause it's not a possiblity anymore.
Saturday night Lisa & I went to Stanton. I was glad to just be out of the house with music cranked up, flip-flops on & the windows down. In Stanton this car load of girls passed us by. They couldn't have been a day over 16. Screaming constantly out of their windows, hollering at everone who went by them, beeping the horn, driving like maniacs. Two state cops got off the exit ramp. Followed by two county cops. The girls chilled their shit as the state cops went by them. They never expected the county cops. All of a sudden we saw blue lights & the two county cops doing doughnuts in the highway. They pulled the girls over right in front of us. We laughed our asses off being as though moments earlier we were contemplating calling the police & saying ' We passed by a car & could hear a girl screaming. Sounded like she was yelling for help. I don't know if she was being kidnapped or what but could you check out a little red cavalier?'. LOL.
I'm so glad I'm not 16 again. I don't know that I ever acted like that. I've been loud & obnoxious in my day. But man, that took the cake.
So today I've moped & lived in my new nightgown. ( I love days like this. ) Watched Gothika on DVD & devoured the Behind Blue Eyes video featuring Fred Durst & Halley Berry. And I've got to say. I never thought about Fred Durst as hot. But he is hot in this video. I think it's that opening shot.
I said in my last post that I really didn't want this blog to be just about the things I hate. But there are some things that you just can't contain. And it's really interesting/ funny/ ironic how sometimes we give people the power to push us into fury with just a look but still feel like we're bound by ethics. The need to be civilized & moral.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't brought up so well. That I could feel comfortable just going ape shit every now & then.
But then I'd just end up feeling like an ass. And probably would have ended up feeling like an ass in jail with a banged up Jeep.
So it's better this way.
I can always just charmin his truck next time I see it parked.
Much Love.
~ Rebecca 12:25 AM [+]
