[ Friday, January 09, 2004 ]
Back to the Dr. Phil stuff. I can't promise when the next one will get done. I didn't really want to confront this one.
The Authenticity Litmus Test
1. Name a thought, belief or attitude that you hold about yourself.
I am mediocre at many things, exceptional at none.
2. Is it a true fact? Is what you are thinking or feeling verifiably true.
The truth? I really don’t know. I chose the above statement because it is the statement I feel I repeat to myself most often. And I apply this statement to many realms of my life--art, writing, knowledge, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Many times my best effort or output seems to me, to be mediocre at best. Perhaps this has to do with the inner critic, that feeling of not being good enough or never being good enough. This statement could possibly be a lie or truth depending on perception, feelings about myself, frustration. I can show you a piece of work & validate why it isn’t amazing. I can look in the mirror and pinpoint numerous flaws. I can take a piece of writing and scratch scratch scratch till nothing’s left. I can make a numbered list and cite the reasons I feel like a bad friend, daughter, sister, being. At the same time I know there is goodness, talent within me.
3. Does holding on to that thought, belief or attitude serve your best interests? Does it make you happy, calm, peaceful & fulfilled?
Hell no. This attitude throws me into a self-defeating pattern. Instead of accepting that a creation or output is my best effort, I am tempted to destroy it, to quit, to give up. I think of myself in terms of mediocre & accept a mediocre lifestyle. I don’t open myself to newness, the possibility of love, in particular because I think I’m not worthy of it. That I’ll find someway to botch the whole deal. That it’s not possible for someone to love the authentic me. It also makes me afraid to put myself out there in terms of art and/or writing. I’m afraid criticism of something that is so much an extension of me will validate the way I feel about myself. If someone says a piece of writing is worthless, often times I interpret that asyou are worthless. This in no way makes me happy, calm, peaceful & fulfilled. It inspires a great deal of fear, confusion, mixed feelings & anxiety. Perhaps even a general unhappiness.
4. Are your thoughts and attitudes advancing and protecting your health? Do your thoughts about yourself push you into situations that put your well-being at risk?
Advancing & protecting my health? No. In a nutshell. I believe that I am mediocre / worthless / not good enough. Therefore I don’t see myself as anything worth protecting. I make unwise choices concerning my health. Question 2? Concerning my past, I don’t believe that putting myself into a risky situation linked to how I felt about myself. I think that was more an indication of being young & making terribly stupid decisions. Recently, I’ve put myself into a few risky situations and that linked directly to a poor self-image, wanting to feel momentarily wanted & loved.
5. Does this attitude and belief get you more of what you want, need and deserve? Or is it leading you toward or keeping you in circumstances that you don’t want.
This belief about myself keeps me at a standstill. Accepting what is here & now & not hoping for or sometimes even wanting anything better. It is a crutch. My fear is fed by it. It keeps me complacent & not living to my full potential, not being my authentic self at all times.
~ Rebecca 6:30 PM [+]
