[ Monday, October 27, 2003 ]
Many factors are coming into play right now. I feel the need for change or processing. If you've read any of my blog you know that it's been coming for a while. That I've been at a very clear crossroad and that for a few months now I've just been standing at the intersection looking at all directions. I'm coming to a point in my life where I just feel fed up with a lot of things. My point? My perception of myself needs to change. I need to learn to love the girl I am instead of waiting to love the perfect woman I will never become. So. LOL. This is the really corny part although there is a certain amount of truth here, WITH DR. PHIL'S HELP or actually just his online tests...I don't know what exactly I'm going to do. But I'm going to do it. I have no idea where this will lead me. But it might just help me clear some things out of my head. Change my internal dialogue or at least, teach me to turn a deaf ear to the things I tell myself.
Either way...I'm gonna do these tests. And I'm gonna post them. I may edit myself at times, leaving out extremely personal details. Or....I might just publish everything on here in an attempt to open up, be totally honest, even if I'm protected by a computer screen.
So here they are. The first two tests from Dr. Phil's Self Matters course.
ARE YOU READY?
1. Did you at one time listen carefully to your innermost voice? Describe this moment. When was it and what was the circumstance? Do you suspect that somehow, somewhere along the way, you have lost contact with it?
Dates being unspecific, from 1998-2001 I felt most in tune with who I was. I lived by my gut. Wrote frequently, painted, drew. I felt like I knew myself from the inside out. During that period of time, I lived on and off in a one room cabin with no electricity or water. It was my get a away, my place to silence everything except what was going on with me. I spent entire weekends there, writing when I wanted to, painting when I wanted to, having soulful conversations with people who would stop by to see me. At this time I had a clear picture of who I was supposed to be, the type of life I was meant to live. At this point in my life, it’s been two years since I’ve been to that cabin. I think not going there is tied in directly with how I feel right now. I’ve not wanted to go there & with feeling that, I can’t help but believe that some part of me is avoiding that alone time with myself. Maybe it’s that I’m trying to turn a deaf ear to my authentic self. Trying to be what every expects & less of who I actually am.
2. Is your behavioral life, your public persona, at odds with the values, beliefs, desires, passions and visions that define your authentic self? If so, how?
I used to do things that were really simple but kept me content. I would drive to various locations on whims, take out a notebook & just write what I saw. Listened to mellow music all the time, stuff that got my brain working into one million directions. Now when I drive, I drive with the intention of purely getting there & back. I don’t pull over & just observe life. I don’t drive for hours, clearing my head & processing all the events that are happening in my life. When I listen to music, I listen to the type of music I call “blocker”. Something that’s loud, in my face. Doesn’t give me time to think about the lyrics or in anyway apply them to me. Something with a catchy tune. Something that fills my head entirely instead of giving me room to relate. My ‘me’ time has become less & less. I’m trying to do so many things at once that I have virtually faded. With that has come the loss of any kind of creativity. And if, by chance, I do embrace a creative whim, thoughts pour through my head so suddenly & fiercely that I block them out, shut down or else I’ll be up all night, contemplating but never taking action. In many ways, I don’t feel like I know myself anymore. Don’t know exactly what it is that defines me as a person & feel like a stranger when compared to the woman I was just two-three years ago.
3. Do you know, today, in vivid detail, who the authentic you is? Or are you living a compromised existence?
I think I have an idea who the authentic me is. I think I met her years ago. Of course, now I feel like I’m living a compromised life...trying to combine carefree loner with responsibility & expectation. I don’t feel like I’ve reached that point where I can balance everything.
DISCOVER YOUR LIFE CHAIN
1. Where were you born?
Lexington, Kentucky. Came home to Shoemaker Ridge, Kentucky. Lived there until I was 12.
2. Where do you live now?
Wolfe County, Kentucky. Big Andy Ridge. Basically we just moved across a creek & a hollow.
3. What do/did your mother and father do for a living?
My father worked for Ashland Oil until my mother’s death when he was laid off. Since then he has drawn social security & kept house. In 1986 he became a Christian & in 1987 was called to preach.
My mother had odd jobs, worked at a nursing home, became a stay at home mom when I was born. While at home she painted, crafted, baked. Was a woman who did it all.
My stepmother is now retired, was a teacher & principal in the Wolfe Co. school system. She now substitutes from time to time & teaches specialized tutoring on occasion.
4. What do you do for a living?
From 1998-2003 I worked as a child care worker in a residential treatment facility. After leaving that in March of 2003, I am now trying to determine how to make money without having to fill out a job application. I baby-sit and occasionally sell artwork while trying to find the time to work on a shop which is in the making.
5. What were your parents' beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Their place in the world?
I think my dad views himself as an underdog. He grew up poor. Quite school after the eighth grade, went directly to work with his dad. Was made fun of in school because of lack of shoes, supplies...status, basically. He worked hard to support his family. Stayed at home with his mom & dad in order to help out there. When he moved out & got married, he continued to work hard to support his family, wanting to give us things, opportunities he never had. Dad has always been supportive in every way imaginable. He’s been protective but let my brother and & I learn life lessons on our own without harping about what we should do or who we should be. Being a Christian he relies on faith, prays that we come into our own. Is very open about his personal relationship with Christ but never hounds us into salvation. He is comfortable talking to his children, not as children, but as adults with opinions & minds of our own. His place in this world? I think he is satisfied with his place now. I don’t know that he sees himself as the underdog anymore simply because I think his perception of life & contentment has changed. I don’t think he views life as being a fight whereas at one time, he might have. His role is now caretaker. Spiritually, for those whom attend his church or seek him out in time of need. Physically & emotionally for my brother & I. He is the person we turn to first when facing tough times.
6. What are your beliefs about family? Religion? Politics? Your place in the world?
In many ways I place myself in that role of caretaker. I think I try to merge the life my father is now living & the life my mother lived into one conglomerate personality. Family, whether it’s the family I was born into or the family I’ve decided to add along the way, is very important to me. The relationships I have with other people are the number one priority and value in my life. If I am needed in anyway, I want to be there. Sometimes that means that I push a lot of ‘me’ stuff last. I believe very much in God, in His abilities. I am not a Christian at this time, although I’ve felt conviction for the last 9-12 months. I do believe that I need to turn my life over to Christ. That when and if I do that, a whole new world will open up for me. I do not believe that one has to live by strict rules or that spirituality has anything to do with what church you go to. I believe a lot of people are closet sinners & go to church for show. I don’t want that. Ever. I want my relationships with people & with God to be entirely real, heartfelt, with no bravado in play. My place in the world? I honestly don’t know right now. I’m 25 & still trying to find that place. I’m afraid of success or failure. I don’t know which one...but there is a great amount of fear in my life. I too, see myself as somewhat of an underdog. Someone who experienced a trauma early in life & is just now is dealing with the long lasting effects (i.e. how growing up without a mother affected my self-image, trying to cope with that tragedy as a child using only the skills I had at the time, guilt because of the way I acted when dealing with my mother’s death.)
7. What is your life chain?
I come from a line of people who have had to overcome serious difficulties in their lives. People whose lives could have turned out extremely tragic if they had given in, given up. I like to call them beautifully flawed because they are exceptional & beautiful in their own unique way. They are not perfect. But seem to understand that flaws/quirks add to the person you are & that perfection is not realistic in any way. My grandmother & father seem to be content with their lives, spiritually aware, in tune with their inner selves in a way that is beautiful & admirable. I come from people faithful people who give out good common sense advice and seem to rely on their gut level instincts. People whom advocate thinking for one’s self rather than buying into popular belief.
~ Rebecca 7:11 PM [+]
