[ Monday, October 13, 2003 ]
Creative projects are your babies. If that's true, blogger social service needs to step in & take mine away; I've neglected this thing horribly.
New things in my life:
Bronchitis.
3 Paintings.
Admiration for Heinz Ketchup.
Panic.
Thursday I broke down & went to the Dr. Usually, I would rather take a beating...no, make that a caning...than to go to the doctor's office. But I think a certain friend's ( I won't name names SAM ) hypochondriac ways are rubbing off on me. He gave me free antibiotics which was absolutely cool & I admitted to him the only reason I went (besides the fact that we're leaving for Tenn. Friday) was the fear that I might have pneumonia, West Nile or maybe even Monkey Pox. He assured me I had none of those. But I've made so many jokes about Monkey Pox this summer....I'm afraid karma's coming to get me.
Last night I grabbed a bottle of Heinz Ketchup out of the fridge. I looked at the label. I never look at labels. It said Meatloaf Enhancer. Thinking this was some sacred product designed to make ordinary at home meat loaf of the designer variety, I put it back. I grabbed another bottle of Heinz. This label read WARNING: Slow Moving Condiment. I let into a cackle that lasted for 10 min. I couldn't wait to point this out to somebody. Anyway, I'm totally devoted to Heinz now for what is a brilliant & uplifting marketing strategy. Society has totally evolved. Even our ketchup is smart-ass.
I completed the last of 3 new paintings yesterday. Two of which I'm extremely proud, one that is growing on me. The first completed was a portrait of my grandmother. It didn't exactly turn out as planned which is why it's still trying to root its way into my veins. The others are a set. One bare white tree against a grey background & one black smudged tree against a light grey background. Both are framed by a 6'' border of wood which has been painted white & distressed. Very simple. But I think it the aesthetic, the simplicity which appeals to me.
It's an interesting process the brain goes through when one paints. Yesterday while painting the frames my mind just sort of processed the last six months, moving from one idea directly into another with no apparent link. I have only experienced that kind of free flowing, deep thought while painting. I think it's the motion of the hands, the movement of the wrists, that just kind of places you into a trance, makes you go so deep inside yourself that the outside world, at that moment, really is invisible.
Yesterday while painting, I thought about what my art is. What I want it to be. How to achieve any goal that have through art. Everything's been done. Every point has been made. Every idea expressed. You want a nude? Choose from one million. What is it that I can contribute in any way? Simply the fact that no one has viewed life/ the world from these two eyes, this vantage point, experiencing what I've experienced. The key then, to contribute anything that isn't just fluff, is to get down to the bare truth of all of this. And in doing that, finding & expressing my own unfiltered truth.
So with the completion of those two paintings being the beginning, I am entering a bare phase. What is it to a be a 25 year old girl/woman/child/innocent/heathen in the hills of Appalachia where you are expected to be a certain something? Where brilliants lose their glow to hillbilly heroin because the expectation to be average just presses, presses, presses. Or where those with something to actually contribute, hide until their lives too, become wasted? What is it exactly to be motherless/alone/loved/searching with legs barely strong enough to stand yet powerful enough to kick?
I don't know exactly. I have inklings, some strange clue. I've seen scenarios---beautiful, brilliant, moving---scenarios played out in front of me too many times to mention. But my intention here, is to sort it all out. The bare truth of us. And if not us, then me.
I've typed into this blog before that things weren't coming like I wanted them to come. That I was deep in avoidance. The last few days I've begun to rectify that. Things end up how they end up. There is nothing in my life that I can go back & do differently. There was no way I could have kept the boy/ made him love me/ made him seeme/. I cannot rewrite my mother/ friends/ crew/ lovers back into my life. It's just not that simple.
So this, for me, is an awakening. One that has been coming for awhile.
And for the first time in a long time, tonight I am content. With this life. The intricacy of it. With me. Flaws included. Not embelished. Or beautified. But plain & simple. And asking you to be patient & kind.
Much love...
~ Rebecca 9:38 PM [+]
