[ Saturday, July 26, 2003 ]
O.k. So I've not posted on here in a forever. I could tell you 'I've been really busy. I've not had time. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.' I won't tell you that.
I've had time. I could have found time.
The truth is I'm so fucking deep in avoidance right now, I really don't know what to say. I've shut down some key elements of me...and truthfully, I don't know how to tap into myself anymore.
I will tell you that for the past 2-3 days I've felt utterly disgusted. Blah to the umpteenth degree. Wednesday I swung back & forth from couch to T.V. watching absolutely nothing, working on almost absolutely nothing. I just stared at the screen until my eyes watered. Probably the beginning of tears but I wouldn't give in to it & let em come.
I just don't know. Maybe it's that the 25th B-day hit. Maybe it's that I'm realizing I'm 5 years from 30. Maybe it's that I feel like such a complete & utter fuck-up.
Maybe I just need one good day of playing in the rain. Walking in it until I'm soaked. Until water is pouring down my chin. Mixing in my mouth. Until I feel like...this old woman skin is clean.
I'm complaining I know. & the reality is...is the last month...I've experienced so many enjoyable moments. Went to a bluegrass festival...went for a long drive with Billie, recreated bull riding scenes from "Eight Seconds" in the pool with Lisa, Lana, & a 5 ft. caterpillar we named "Red Rock", played in, slung mud on Lisa's first 4-wheeling trip since she's had the baby. Today we just sat & laughed our asses, made fun of Tracy Gold & watched a brand new episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
I mean, really, it doesn't get any better than that. It really doesn't.
Yeah, I'm getting ridiculous.
Anyway, I just don't feel like saying anything else.
Much love.
~ Rebecca 12:58 AM [+]
