[ Thursday, May 29, 2003 ]
Okay. I just have one thing to say tonight.
PMS is the mother of all Bitches.
I've been torn to hell all day. Psychotic, weepy, whiny shit...Just that kind of mood where you can turn to a blubbering mess with one look/ in a heartbeat/ nothing has to be said...but if you have a mean tone....I'm bawling.
I get like this...one week out of every month. And you would think, if I know this...I would make preparations, buy large rolls of duct tape, hire someone to nail my door shut, from the outside. Instead, I just let it hit me full-force & try to deal with the consequences.
Consquences.
I've worried so much today about a particular friend that it's eat me up inside. I don't know if there are early signs of the battered woman syndrome but my god...if you see a bad situation coming right toward you...it would be smart to get out of it while you can. Anyway...I'm forseeing something bad..and I'm trying like hell to talk her into making the right decisions, which I, of course, think is to bail out now. For reasons of privacy & respect...I won't mention the situation or any names but this could get really, really ugly.
And the sad thing is...it could all be prevented if she'd make the right decision.
But I just don't know if she's brave enough.
Today...I was a very, very lucky girl.
Sometimes I wonder...I wish...I could have an omnipotent (maybe that's the right word) view of my life. That way I could pinpoint...maybe if I had changed this or that...what might have happened. I wonder how many near brushes with tragedy we have in our lives everyday...and wander around clueless as to what's just been prevented.
I had that experience today. Normally I would have known nothing about it. But today, shortly after leaving the house, my dad heard a collision on down the road. A truck had wrecked. I had just passed it & slowed down cause it nearly ran me into the ditchline. It couldn't have been just a few seconds later...when it wiped out. Just a few seconds determined my life today. How many times have those few seconds determined my life...and I've never been aware.
My godson graduates kindergarten tomorrow. It is unbelievable to me that he's grown up so quickly. Lisa is beginning to dilate & is having Braxton Hicks contractions. She's due in a little less than a month. But I'm guessing that on or around the 14th we'll be in the delivery room while she throws ice chips at me & cusses her mother.
It is cliche but a woman truly is the most beautiful during pregnancy. I think it has to do with radiance...with life growing right inside you...with carrying two heartbeats & feeding with your blood. I guess it is at times looked over. But a child's connection with his/her mother...that is something remarkable. We share many things during our lifetime...but our mothers are the only people with whom we ever actually share a body...ever sleep inside.
It's beautiful really. I was in the delivery room when Tammy gave birth to Bradley. Changed his first poopy diaper. And yes...had ice chips thrown at me while she cursed & bit her mother. The delivery wasn't bad. It was something to experience...but the aftermath. When Tammy had to stand up & the nurses had to put huge sheets of gauze underneath her to catch the blood--that made me a little swoony. And I think it was the whole idea...of the repurcussions on a woman's body after performing such a miraculous task.
It was one of those moments where someone else's pain was all too real & intense.
There are so many sad, sad things that happen to people... My neighbor has learned that her husband has only weeks to live. About a year ago a tumor was discovered in his brain. He went through chemo & surgery & thought that everything was fine. This year his doctor has discovered a tumor on his spine...and another on his brain.
Weeks. To be told you only have a couple of weeks to spend with your husband/ wife/ father/ mother/ daughter/ lover. I don't really know how one would handle that. I hope I never have to understand how I would handle that.
My father was 38 when he became a widower. It became my dad, me, my brother...clinging to each other in order to survive. My brother is engaged now. And I'm not really sure how I will handle that. It will be, for me, losing part of that little circle we developed years ago. Giving him away...giving him up. Putting his safety...his fragility in someone else's hands. He's about a foot taller than I am...outweighs me...could easily, easily take me in an arm wrestling match. But still, I perceive him as being this fragile little boy, weeping for his mother. Of course I could never tell him that. In the interest of sisterhood...I have to play the wise-ass, older...I'll-always-one-up-you girl when really he has the ability to crush me with so few words.
I realize that I said I was only going to say that PMS was the mother of all Bitches tonight.
But I never really know until I'm done.
& isn't that just how it is...we never really know until we're done.
On so many levels.
Much, much, much love.
Beck.
~ Rebecca 12:22 AM [+]
