[ Saturday, May 24, 2003 ]
"Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose..."
Last night while reading The Noonday Demon that quote hit me so profoundly.
Perhaps it's because I've wanted to spend the last two weeks in bed with my knit jersey sheets pulled over my head. It might be different if I could bawl, break down, slam my fists into the mattress. Instead, I choose avoidance & a dull stare, pathetic attempts at being funny. All those tactics we use to cover up.
Depression...I think, is a term so casually slung around. And I've never ever wanted to admit that sometimes I'm down, blue, depressed whatever. But my God...something inside me has to pick up. Usually, there is a serenity inside me, a contentment that evaporates the negative. It seems like right now I'm struggling to find that contentment. Wondering if it's there. If it's ever really been there. If it has, in some way, left me because I've not deserved, learned from, nurtured it like I should.
I suppose right now I feel like my core emotions are locked inside some little box. And this wise-ass me is wasting her time clawing at the outsides when really, she should be listening for what's within. But this is how I operate. When I don't want to deal, I avoid. I push it back & back & back. I go dancing. I drink beer. I listen to music that doesn't make me think. Real loud. So loud that my inner thoughts are drowned beneath the beat. It's childish I know. In so many ways I am a child. In so many ways I love the fact that there is still that childish aspect in me. I don't make any bones about it. I can & will be whatever it takes to survive.
Self-preservation.
And what is it really, that I try to preserve?
What is it that I fear will be taken from me?
I go through these spells. Every 3-4 months months maybe where I fall right back into thoughts, memories....wanting...him. Every girl has her 'him'. The first boy we love with all of our entirety. The one we imagine making babies with, cooking for, waking up to again & again & never tiring of the five o'clock shadow or the freckles splashed across his shoulders, or the way his eyes turn yellow/red flecked when they catch light at a certain angle. Every girl has her him. We don't even have to say his name. The ones closest to us just know.
I've woke up every morning for the last week thinking about mine. Falling right back into everything I felt. It kills me. But I think, if you're a person who loves with everything you have...with every ounce of who you are or might ever be...the letting go is so damn hard. Right now...it's just like that longing, yearning, rememberance...whatever it is that I'm feeling, is swelling in my throat. I know it's the emergence of a sob. The introduction of feeling. And I wonder... is it really him that I miss? Or is it the possibility of him? What could have been between us? The kind of love that we could have created if we had tried harder/let walls down/given everything/been satisfied/fought for each other/never covered up how we felt. With no other words to explain it, he was the little old man to my little old lady. And in my head, heart, body...for years, I just knew it would end that way, with us sitting on the front porch while he picked his guitar & I hummed along, taking in every chord change, every bend. That might possibly be the image that will torment me... Because I am a girl so afraid of making the wrong decison...of messing up what's meant to be, that I quite often make none. And just let things play out. Hoping that someone stronger, wiser has my life in their hands.
Last night I read a piece in a journal entry. (Thank you, Val.) And it just affected me in the most unimaginable way... And no, I can't do the words justice by paraphrasing. But the part that just absolutely hit me...was this statement about soulmates & how things might not work out...because of all the factors in a relationship. And how that love still exists, but channels. I can remember 2 years ago... a tarot card reading. He always turns up in my cards. Has since I first started having them read along with a blonde-haired, blue eyed man. I remember asking...if those two people could represent someone with dual personalities. I remember asking specifically if this man was my soulmate. I remember being told yes. I remember saying..But everyone has a soulmate & it doesn't necessarily mean they'll end up together. I remember hearing No, it really doesn't honey.
Vulnerable.
I'm so afraid of being vulnerable to someone. Of having their leaving or coming or acceptance or rejection of love...affect my stability. Because of all the things I have around me...the relationships I've built, the small ways I might have connected with someone, the ability to share inside jokes or communicate with only our eyes...that intimacy is the thing I most crave. And the thing I am most appreciative of. If I could disconnect easily, give someone up easily...it might be different. But I am a girl who, when she loves you, will come to bat anytime, anywhere, no questions asked. Loyal. Because I can easily admit...I need people. I need the laughter they bring, the quirks, the character, the conversation, the understanding. Nothing is as beautiful as intimate conversation. The sharing of ideas. That first moment when you look at someone and smile an appreciative smile as if to say..."Yeah, I get you. I really get you." That's the beauty of connection. Because it instantly alleviates all those feelings of being alone in a world that does not understand one single, solitary thing inside your head. Validation. Because all of a sudden, this shroud of invisibility lifts...and you feel like someone might actually see you.
Anyway..so many thoughts & I might actually need to shut up.
But to everyone who has ever in anyway...made me feel visible to the world.
Thank you.
From a little backwoods girl with so much of her life up in the air right now,
Thank you.
Much love.
~ Rebecca 12:19 AM [+]
