[ Sunday, May 04, 2003 ]
101s force me to think.
Even when my body wants to run.
1. Little girl insides.
2. All it took was for him to love me.
3. I could have let loose.
4. Chiseled brick & mortar until my fingers were raw.
5. It's easy not to remember when I'm removed from the situation.
6. I'm in love with Cherry Garcia.
7. At some point in my life,
8. I'll be in love with everything created.
9. I have wandering fascinations.
10. One year ago, I wanted to form a secret clan of shirt ninjas.
11. Today I tore medical tape into long strands.
12. Hung 27 strands on the visor mobile fashion.
13. It was senseless but
14. It tickled me endlessly.
15. I then listened to Rehab.
16. And hummed the Mission Impossible theme.
17. I have trouble sleeping at night.
18. I'm exhausted during the early part of the day.
19. In the evenings I create paintings inside my head knowing
20. That they'll never make it to canvas or wood
21. Or glass because I'm thinking about doing some
22. Folk Art style plates.
23. That's terribly interesting, I know.
24. But my mind piddles endlessly.
25. Right now...it is obsessed with old furniture &
26. Paints & the perfect kitchen hutch & delicate little petals.
27. I compare Law & Order to real life.
28. I am in love with Johnny Knoxville's abdomen.
29. I wanted to marry Ricky or John Mingua.
30. Simply because the Mingua Brothers make the most kick ass beef jerky.
31. I'm into marriage for the right reasons.
32. The first single young antiques dealer I meet,
33. I'm marrying.
34. If he makes willow furniture, that's a big plus.
35. I might even have his babies.
36. I seem a little depressed.
37. I feel a little depressed.
38. I am a little depressed.
39. Several people have mentioned it.
40. That I'm not my usual self.
41. I hate to say that I'm down. It's
42. The absolute worst thing to admit.
43. Ok. So maybe I'm not depressed.
44. Maybe it's that I feel sort of
45. Invisible.
46. Logically, I can see where it all comes from.
47. I know why I'm feeling like that.
48. But it's hard to shake the feeling.
49. It's funny how, talking to kids everyday.
50. Being a part of their lives, makes one feel
51. Worthy.
52. Important.
53. Or maybe just needed.
54. I've always felt needed.
55. And now...I just kind of feel
56. Like I exist...but in no profound way.
57. Sometimes I hate hearing myself talk.
58. It more that I aggravate myself.
59. And I'm terrified of being the girl noone wants around.
60. But are too afraid to tell her.
61. I would hope that someone would tell me.
62. That's pretty pathetic but
63. I need validation.
64. I need someone to need me.
65. I can't wait until the first mud fight of the year.
66. I'm rambling now.
67. But I haven't been in a good knock down drag out in a while.
68. And the feel of mud between my toes & in my hair
69. Is exquisite.
70. Until it dries &
71. Then I'm left with drab dreadlocks.
72 & a dirty face.
73. I'm loving mushroom hunting this year.
74. I've been going on weekly excursions with dad.
75. It sometimes makes me feel like a little kid again.
76. Other times, I try to take in everything he says or does.
77. I enjoy his humor.
78. The way he can make me laugh with just an expression.
79. The way our eyes communicate inside jokes.
80. Many people have told me my eyes are never silent.
81. I think that maybe we have so many stories
82. Wrapped up in our bodies
83. Handed down from generation to generation,
84. That our bodies involuntarily
85. Tell them.
86. When we think no one's looking.
87. So many good things are happening for me right now.
88. I sold my first painting.
89. My first on-canvas-meant-something-to-me painting.
90. The Little Shop on the Corner, a dream for 6 + years, has come to fruition.
91. Word is out that I'm looking for local artists.
92. Business is picking up.
93. But still there's this sense of dread.
94. I'm wrestling with my spirituality.
95. Issues of faith.
96. I'm feeling a little lost.
97. I need to sort this out.
98. But now I'm choosing to run.
99. To live in the moment.
100. To push everything back.
101. Until I can't hold anymore.
We'll see what happens then.
Beck.
~ Rebecca 11:45 PM [+]
