[ Saturday, April 05, 2003 ]
Waiting for L. to come over for fettucine alfredo & jackass. It's comforting to know that other people own blow-up dolls and aren't afraid to enlist them as passenger. (buckled up..always buckled up.) County music infomercial on T.V. right now. Makes me think of my friend Tammy. The letter she sent me shortly after JFK Jr. died. How she tried to persuade me to go to Tennessee with her. Work at Opryland Hotel. Buy blue rhinestone suits & the Dolly Parton wig she always wanted. That thought always fills me w/ the most warm sense of fondness. I think about her. The way she was that summer. In Harlan. Driving her grandma's caddy. Heartbroken underneath. Just fine on the surface. Makes me wonder...just how many of us are heartbroken underneath and fine on the surface? How many times do we keep it together just long enough to make it to our car, our room, some corner? Sometimes I think we should just let that raw emotion out. Become vulnerable, exposed, naked wherever we are. It's such a struggle to try to contain it within your body. To keep a game face when really, every vein in your body screams listen to me, listen. We're hurting. We need to cry. We're angry. We need to vent.
I still don't really know why I'm doing this. Self-discovery maybe? There are so many aspects of my life that I just threw into the air about two weeks ago. Left my job. ( I worked with emotionally disturbed/delinquent children. Had been there five years as a house parent which meant I lived with my kids--eight girls--4 days out of the week, 16 hrs a day, teaching them to live, love, learn & laugh.) I still don't know how I feel about leaving. The technicality of everything...the system in itself...I'm so disillusioned with that. Underneath all the labels, the syndromes, the disorders, what we really had, always had, were beautiful, soulful children who respected those who respected them. Who loved those who loved them. Yesterday they passed by my little shop...a whole vanful of girls and waved. They popped the windows of the van open...and yelled out the window.."We love you. We love you, Miss Becky." It made my heart hurt. I yanked open the screen door, ran out in the yard and waved until I couldn't see them anymore. To love those who aren't your own is one of the most pure, true loves I've ever experienced. To leave my girls, to say goodbye to them was the hardest thing I've ever done. I just held them and wept as I said my goodbyes. I couldn't hold it together. In my car, I nearly choked on the wails. Had to stop in the middle of the road to get it together. I suppose for me, it was more than a job. It was my way to become a mother without actually giving birth. They were my daily reminders...of how beautiful...innocent...pure...life really, underneath everything, is.
L.'s here. We're laughing. Talking in our own language. She's unloading ice cream. She has a baby growing inside her. I feel like crying. I feel like smiling. This is a feeling I can't contain. Because right now...these are the things that really matter. These quiet moments and inside jokes. And aspects of living that are uniquely our own.
With this...I want to keep it honest. No format. Just me. I'm gone.
~ Rebecca 6:40 PM [+]
