[ Monday, April 14, 2003 ]
I procrastinate.
Today is April 14th. Tomorrow my taxes will go in the mail. Completed last night, I wasn't satisfied with preparing them a day early. Push the envelope. Always push the envelope.
So many things going on in my life. Contemplating direction. Thinking about voice. Getting ready to stir up a stink right here in Smalltown, USA.
"To see what is right, and not to do it, is want of courage or of principle." --Confucius.
But...apart from everything happening in my life right now, there is abundant goodness.
Tonight I drove home with the top down, moon shining into my car, listening to "What do you hear in these sounds" by Dar Williams.
Beautiful, beautiful moment.
Sometimes we wonder how or if our lives touch others. So many times I've passed someone on the road or met someone briefly and those encounters are so intense or the image is so intense...that it's stayed with me for years. The trouble is...there usually isn't that opportunity to encounter that person again. To say...'Hey, you made me realize this' or 'You passed by I & was feeling so bad/unloved/unseen.' We never know how or if the things we do inspire people in some sort. Particularly, I think about a boy sitting on a rock with his back to me 6 years ago. The vision of him...the sadness I felt when I passed him. How I wanted to go back but was late for work. How I should have turned around. How there were crows on the guardrail for miles after I passed him. How they didn't budge but looked at me. How I remembered a man saying 'A crow can't decide whether it's good or bad. Crows destroy harvests. But they also clean up the dead."
How none of that should have been meaningful at all. But somehow, even now...it springs to mind.
Perhaps it's because I've been noticing crows lately. More than I should. And last night, while trying to fall asleep & not being able to, lines of light fluttered along my ceiling.
Sometimes I worry. Fall into it so easily & heavily that I convince myself...there might be something wrong with me.
Other times I ask myself "Why is it that you don't believe?"
My entire life...has been wrapped up in coincidence & the unseen.
I might list it all someday.
An endless list of miracles & messes.
My grandma tells me that God has a plan for my life. A purpose only I can accomplish. She tells me that something's tried to kill me for years. It has. I agree. But somehow...
I'll just leave it at this: too many near escapes. And I am such a lucky little girl.
Love.
~ Rebecca 10:51 PM [+]
