[ Thursday, April 17, 2003 ]
He held his finger against the line. Not forcefully, but delicate. Just enough to allow him to feel.
Movement. A tug.
Even when his bobber floated behind the concrete bridge support, out of view, he sat calmly, matter of factly. He believes in the things he cannot see. Lives by what he feels.
Fishing with my father for trout in swift water. He teaches me so many things daily....every minute. When I took my bobber off my line, fished on the bottom...had to trust what I felt...I was a nervous wreck. Had so much trouble trusting my own judgement. Had to see that red & white bobber plunk underneath the water momentarily...to know for sure if I was getting a bite or not. But my dad...he just felt the line. Sat with his thumb held against the string...so delicately.
He has immense faith.
Sometimes I feel like I am faithless.
It applies to every moment of our lives.
My father knows that everything will, ultimately, be okay.
I worry that it won't. That I've made the wrong decisions. That I'm not living the way I should be living. That moments of clarity & wisdom pass my by because perhaps I'm not receptive enough to things that are magical & mysterious in the world.
The truth of the matter is....we should always, always trust what we feel. Contemplate the matter but never look back...Never regret. Live as passionately as we can...so that our lives are full & beautiful.
Even as my dad ages...the deep creases in his cheekbones that seem to have sprouted overnight, are beautiful. It stems from knowing that he has a beautiful spirit...& that no matter who I am or who I become...his love for me is unconditional.
Anyway..I wish I could have somehow recorded all thoughts that went through my head while sitting on the creekbank waiting for fish to nibble. I can't...but here are random lines.
"i grew scales waiting for you."
"what if i had no gills but
you strung wire through my mouth &
i tried to speak
i tried to tell you that
i was suffocating but
you only looked into
my eyes &
promised me soon
i'll get you to water soon."
I've never had trouble fishing before. Sure don't have trouble eating them. But the sight of wire strung through such delicate..intricate gills...just absolutely flip-flopped something inside me. Perhaps it's that trout are pretty & silver. Perhaps it's the idea of being strung up...helpless...& do I relate to that easier now. Now that in ways...I feel strung up..helpless...open...tender. I don't know exactly.
"when i was silver coated &
breathing."
Randomness. This is a bit of that randomness I talked about earlier.
Love. Much love. Always much love.
Beck.
~ Rebecca 12:14 AM [+]
