[ Monday, April 07, 2003 ]
101 or something like it.
1. Rebecca & Venus
2. Gemini & Cancer
3. All that doesn't really matter
4. But it seems as vitally important as my
5. Date of Birth or my Social Security #.
6. In case of accidental ingestion
7. Drink warm milk &
8. Call your mother.
9. If your mother is buried somewhere in Chambers cemetery
10. Write letters to her when you turn 17.
11. And again when you're 20.
12. 5, 7, 8, 2 years ago I thought I had it all figured out.
13. I don't.
14. I am some kind of fuck up.
15. Sometimes I think the people who love me
16. Only do it because they have to.
17. Because I'm family.
18. Because they knew me so many years ago.
19. Because they feel indebted to the connection.
20. I wonder how sane I am.
21. If I should encourage T. to come off her Paxil.
22. Or if I should start a brand new prescription
23. Of my own.
24. I'm a lazy little girl
25. With such vision.
26. I'm not gonna lie.
27. I can think of all the right things to say
28. 10 minutes after the fact.
29. Put me on the spot my cheeks turn red I
30. Always say something I regret and
31. My biggest fear is looking like an idiot
32. When I really don't want to.
33. It's okay if that's the goal but
34. Only on my terms only
35. At my will.
36. I'll let you back me but
37. Never into a corner
38. Not without fighting or
39. Screaming or
40. Scratching my way out
41. Into the light because
42. There is always light and
43. I'll find it I'll
44. Call it's name until
45. I'm breathless &
46. Hyperventilating &
47. The words turn to jumbles, spit &
48. syllables inside my mouth, spewing
49. like a pop can that fell on the floor.
50. In case of accidental overdose contact
51. Your local physician. Tell him
52. I sent you.
53. Tell him there should be
54. A warning label on this shit.
55. Tell him you didn't know
56. What you were getting into.
57. Didn't realize there'd be
58. Such a mess
59. To clean up
60. After she spewed her shit.
61. Sometimes I'm afraid my insides will fall out.
62. And no one will be there.
63. To catch it.
64. To witness.
65. To document
66. The occasion.
67. Because really this is what we're trying to do:
68. Catalogue our lives into prim & proper verse
69. Give voice to a scream that has been mounting for
70. 17-18-19-21-22-23-24 years.
71. Take your pick.
72. It might not even be your own.
73. It might be
74. Your mother's or
75. Your father's or
76. Your aunt's or
77. The lady you worked with who
78. Told you about how he beat her
79. How he kicked her face in
80. 10 years ago after drinking
81. Jim Beam & Coke & how
82. She took him back because
83. He said he loved her & she never heard it
84. Before while her face was shoved in
85. Some man's crotch & he was thinking about his
86. wife, kids, work at home.
87. Home.
88. Where she would never be
89. Welcomed.
90. I want to tell you this is some devination that
91. I came out of the womb with a pen in my hand but
92. That would have only hurt my mother &
93. My God, I never wanted to hurt
94. My mother.
95. But she left me
96. A sad little girl
97. Too bashful to speak
98. And it took a long time to brew
99. To steep into maturity but
100. I'm warm &
101. Almost done.
~ Rebecca 10:51 PM [+]
