[ Monday, October 03, 2005 ]
You know when you hear a song & it just slaps you in face. And you think 'God, you shouldn't know that much about me, you.' Ani DiFranco does that for me sometimes. Tonight I was swatting down cobwebs in the corners of the living room & one little chorus almost dropped me. Simple lyrics, but God, when she sings them, it's like a sucker punch in the belly, especially when you're knocking down cobwebs & noticing the headlights & all the people who drive by & you're just wondering, wondering, wondering what's going on in the house across the road or down the street, if anyone else feels this way right now. If anyone else hates cobwebs as much as you do right now.
"To all the people out there tonight
Who are comforting themselves
If you should happen to see my light
You can stop and ring my bell
I'm just sittin here in this sty
Strewn with half written songs
Taking one breath at a time
Nothin much going on
Nothin much going on..."
Truthfully, I haven't written as much in this blog as I used to. The little snippets I post occasionally don't really say that much. I'm not as honest in this as I was. It's not that I care for anyone to know what's going on in my life...it's more that I don't want anyone to think that blame may lay in their lap, if that makes sense. I don't want anyone to think...God, she feels this way...it must be me.
There's this tiny lump of sadness in me. I thought for a long time that if I found someone who would honestly & truly love me, if I found someone I could honestly & truly love, maybe if I had my own place, maybe if I did this, if I did that...I could fill it up, replace it, dissolve it. I thought maybe I could write it out, paint it out, laugh it out. I don't think that's how it works though. I think there will always be this little tender spot inside me. This feeling of never really being known entirely.
It's mostly my fault. I'm socially awkward & reserved & either trust people too easily or don't trust them at all. I thought I had shed my unbearable shyness years ago, but truthfully, I'm very timid & it's hard to break through that. Self confidence is not mine. I'm afraid it might never be. But I wonder if there ever comes a time when you quit doubting yourself, when you quit doubting your every move or how it's perceived.
I sat on the front porch last week painting pumpkins & I just felt very alone. Even though Dave was in the house working on a computer, I still felt very disconnected. I thought of my mom. I thought about how we painted pumpkins every year. How me & Scott would stand next to them & have our pictures taken. How we thought there was nothing quite like a painted pumpkin. Then that weekend me & Lisa looked at old pictures & laughed at our clothes, at the way we were allowed to go out of the house, laughed at our moms & dads, the way they went out of the house, Dad with his blue jeans rolled up & a cap as tall as the length of his head. We looked at birthday pictures, tiny kids lined up, opening gifts, holding cakes, holding up bottles of fingernail polish, wearing party hats. I look at those pictures & feel warmth in my stomach.
I still feel so much like a little girl, with stringy hair & dirty fingernails & at the same time, I'm beginning to feel old. I'm not sure how to process all that.
But the old woman feeling has to go. It just has to.
~ Rebecca 8:35 PM [+] (1) comments
